Hey Everyone!!
I posted this on my Facebook wall, a few weeks ago, but as I promised then, I'm posting it here, as well. Enjoy! ;-)
Soooo... I got an email that I'm going to respond to in a general, rather than specific, way. And I'm posting this response publicly for a few reasons. One, I want other women authors to be able to see it and know they're not alone the next time they get such an email. Two, because maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere, at some time will read it and it will make a difference. And, three, because the email in question is honestly not worth giving the courtesy of a direct and private reply. But responding in this way gives me the opportunity to get something off my chest that I've been wanting to put to words for a while now.
Since I'm not responding directly, I'm doing the person who sent the email the favor of not identifying them personally and, instead, keeping this post directed to humanity in general. Of course, if the person in question finds his balls and wishes to out himself on my public social media wall -- and I'll also be posting this on my blog, at some point, if you prefer that venue -- by all means, feel free. I can generally be relied upon for a good spiderish mood when the circumstances call for it, so be welcome in my parlor, Mr. Fly, but expect the reception that you deserve.
Now, moving on from the general disclaimers. Because of the nature of some of the books I write, I periodically get vitriolic emails, mostly from men who haven't actually bothered to read any of my books, complaining about how I'm "defeminizing" the women and emasculating the men. I'm not going to bore you with the details, they're typically not worth repeating anyway, but what it boils down to seems to be men who are uncomfortable with the idea of women in an equal and equally powerful role as their male counterparts.
And, of course, I've encountered this same attitude in person. Honestly, I don't know any woman who hasn't. So, it's something I've thought about, and I think I may have figured out, at least in part, why some men are so threatened by such depictions of female empowerment, even in fiction. To put it bluntly, I think they realize they're not up to the challenge of gaining the regard of a woman on their own merits and long for the "good ol' days" when they had a built-in societal advantage.
It hasn't been that long since women were almost entirely financially dependent on the men in their lives. Hell, until the 1970s, women couldn't even get a credit card or a bank loan without a signature from their husband or father. And we're still fighting for wage parity and equal opportunities in many industries. But, at least in most developed nations, many women are now in a position where they no longer
need a man in order to survive.
This means, in order to attract women, men need to put forth more effort and make us want them. And, no, I'm not saying that women don't also have to put forth effort to attract men. Of course we do. But we've been doing that since time immemorial, whereas men have largely been able to get away with not having to put forth that effort, in many circumstances. And, yes, I'm aware there are exceptions to every rule; I'm talking generally about societal norms.
But, now, finally, in the 21st century, a paycheck and a penis are not usually enough to attract a woman, anymore. At least, not for the long-term. Why? Well, my darlin' dears, because we can buy the penis. In whatever size, shape, color, and with whatever features we'd like it to have. And we've got our own paychecks, meager as they often are, now. So, if that's all a man is offering, we don't need him and have no reason to want him. Because, if he's not willing to put forth the effort to be more than just that, he's almost certainly more trouble than he's worth.
And, for anyone who's getting pissed off at my "man-bashing," that's not what I'm doing at all. I do not mean to say or imply that men aren't more than just sex and money; I'm saying that a certain, select minority of men choose not to be any more than that because they believe women should be satisfied with their non-existent efforts, and they get absurdly hostile when their little daydreams about what women "should be happy with" don't come true. And then they take out their ire, often violently but sometimes just through internet rudeness, on the objects -- and, yes, we are objects to them -- of their frustration.
Truth be told, I really enjoy the company of men who put forth the effort to become interesting and kind human beings. And, in my experience, men of that caliber generally appreciate women who have done the same. Because when you have mature adults forming relationships based on respect and admiration, rather than out of desperation and objectification, you have something that tends to be strong and resilient. And that's worth the work it takes to get it.
I mean, think about it for yourself. Wouldn't you rather know your significant other is with you because they
want you rather than just because they
need you? If the answer to that question isn't an unequivocal "yes!" then you're really not ready for adult relationships, yet. And you should seek professional advice to help you reach the level of self-confidence and self-respect that will allow you to form healthy, adult bonds with other people. And, until you've done that, stay the fuck out of my inbox!
Peace!
